


Goemon's revenge

by bisexualr2d2



Category: Lupin III
Genre: M/M, Weed, goemon is petty, handjobs, hopefully you'll find it funny, jigen's just here for a good time, lupin is an idiot, this is something of an elongated shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28447299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualr2d2/pseuds/bisexualr2d2
Summary: Just a couple of bros smoking weed and doing bro stuff
Relationships: Ishikawa Goemon XIII/Jigen Daisuke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23
Collections: Lupin the Nerd Secret Santa 2020





	Goemon's revenge

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SelSpeaks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelSpeaks/gifts).



> Unbeta-d and probably a bit of a mess because November and December were not a great time for my mental health (gee, I wonder why, there's only a pandemic going on) but hopefully this is still entertaining.

“We have two hours.” Goemon stepped inside and locked the door behind him.

“Two hours for what?” Jigen didn’t bother looking up from the magazine he was thumbing through, which was definitely a trade publication on guns and _not_ a collection of homoerotic beefcake photos.

“Two hours until Lupin gets back. I sent him on a fake errand involving a series of booby traps, obstacles, and a nonexistent gift from Fujiko. And I know where he hides his cannabis.”

This got Jigen’s attention. It was a rare treat that the two of them got any privacy from Lupin.

“Isn’t it a bit contradictory for an honor-bound samurai to send his friend on a wild goose chase so he can spend some time alone and smoke his weed? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”

“Not when the friend in question tries to use zantetsuken to slice a ham. _Oh, but Goemon, it’s an authentic jambon beurre, I can’t just use regular deli ham._ ” The samurai put on an exaggerated French accent and gesticulated as he mocked Lupin. “Dumb French motherfucker, it’s a ham sandwich.”

Jigen burst out laughing as he put his magazine away.  
“Y’know, you can be one of the pettiest, most devious men I’ve ever met… make sure to keep it that way. Now where’s this weed you wanted to liberate?”

There’s a false bottom to his sock drawer. Unfortunately, I also found several other items for personal use in there.” Goemon squirmed and blushed as he recalled the sight of several sex toys in the drawer.

“You can just say dildoes, ya know. We both know he’s a freak.” Jigen called from the other room as he worked his way through Lupin’s personal belongings to uncover a wealth of dank delights. It was true, the false bottom of his sock drawer was absolutely filled with sex toys of every imaginable variety, including some you probably couldn’t imagine. Who the fuck needs a foot long tentacle dildo, anyway? Wasn’t he supposed to be afraid of that shit?

After a bit of digging, Jigen was able to find the baggie of weed and an accompanying pack of rolling papers. Not a problem, Jigen excelled at rolling joints. There wasn’t a grinder in sight, although the weed had already been ground into shake, which was ideal for rolling. He grabbed everything and brought it back out to the shared room where Goemon had made himself comfortable, not bothering to replace anything that he had moved in Lupin’s room.

Once seated, Jigen began deftly distributing the cannabis and rolling a series of joints. He did it with such fluidity that Goemon couldn’t help but be slightly mesmerized as he watched the process. It was like watching a mechanical assembly line. This lead Goemon to made a mental note to himself to watch mechanical assembly line footage once he was stoned. Once he was satisfied with the job that he had done, Jigen lit one of the joints and took a long drag before passing it to Goemon.

“So how did you even know the weed was in his sex toy drawer? Were you snooping around for something else?” Jigen waggled his brows and laughed as he coughed out the end of the sentence.

“I was investigating a weird noise that I thought might have been an explosive or recording device.” Goemon inhaled deeply before gracefully blowing out a lungful of smoke and passing the joint back to Jigen. “There was no such device, only a vibrator that he had left running. And the weed.”

“What if there was a recording device, but it was in the vibrstor?” Jigen was laughing so hard at the thought that he could barely get the words out. This was a good strain, it usually took more than a few hits to have him doubled over in laughter like this. “They’d have to listen to everything inside of Lupin’s ass.”

Goemon let the dizzy wave of relaxation wash over him as he took another hit.

“It’s not the worst idea. Lupin loves having things in his ass, it’s a good way to make sure the mic stays on him at all times. Next time we need to put a tracker on him, let’s put it in one of his butt plugs.”

“First stealing Lupin’s weed, now tracking his asshole. You’re just full of good ideas tonight.” In a more sober state, Jigen might’ve made that comment sarcastically, but at the moment it communicated nothing but earnest admiration.

After being passed back and forth several more times, the joint was spent. Jigen got up and wandered to the fridge, digging around for something appealing. “Why the fuck do we have so many ingredients but no actual food? Cooking takes too long, I’m hungry now.”

“I can order food on my phone. Fujiko showed me. Want me to do that?” Goemon looked up from the place on the floor where he had been lying down. “What do you want to eat?”

“Shit, anything’s good. I’m lazy, not picky. When did you get a phone? I thought eschewing technology was part of your whole thing.”

“Fujiko bought me one and taught me how to use it a while back. I did not tell anyone because I did not want Lupin to send me pictures of his penis. I heard that he does that.”

“That might make you the smartest man I’ve ever met, and I’ve killed rocket scientists.” Jigen finally spotted a can of pineapple in the very back of the fridge, and figured it would suffice until the food arrive. Fruit wasn’t his favorite, but it was wet and edible, and his mouth was dryer than Ben Shapiro’s idea of a pussy.  
Jigen returned to the living room and flopped down on the couch, spilling some of the pineapple juice on himself. The suit was expensive, but he wasn’t sober enough to care. Goemon had already begun smoking the second joint, and passed it over to him.

“It’d be pretty fucked up to be a horse.” Goemon mused. “Imagine being that big and muscular and you’re not even an apex predator. You’re just a fast thing that dies if you break your leg.”

“What the fuck are you even talking about.” Jigen was only half paying attention as he puffed on the joint.

“Horses. They’re big. They’re strong. But they can’t fight and they’re afraid of everything. It’s fucked up.”

“Yeah, and? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing, it’s just fucked up.” Goemon shrugged.

“I guess it is. Bees are pretty fucked up, too. Using their stingers rips their abdomen apart. Imagine that, if you fight, you die.”

“Nature is cruel.”

The conversation lulled as they passed the joint back and forth, watching the smoke twirl through the air in contemplative silence. There were very few moments of pure calm in their lives. Usually if things were this quiet, it was because they were trying to avoid detection or they were listening for footsteps or other noises to alert them of traps, danger, or adversaries, but now it was simply because they didn’t feel the need to fill the air with their voices. Jigen even dozed off lightly until he was woken up by a knock at the door.

“Oh shit, I forgot we ordered food.” Goemon sprang up and ran towards the door, trying his best to remember what country they were in so he could tip the delivery guy in the right currency. He ended up shoving a handful of random bills and coins through the door and grabbing the food before he could even make eye contact with the person delivering it. 

“ What’d you get us?” Jigen’s eyes sparkled with anticipation like a kid opening presents on Christmas, eager to find out what awaits him in the delicious smelling packaging.

“Everything, or more things than I can remember, at least. The photos looked delicious and I wanted it all.” The look on Goemon’s face was one of pure concentration as he unloaded and served package after package of food with the speed and precision of a surgeon. Come to think of it, Goemon could probably be a surgeon if he wanted. Surgery is pretty similar to dismembering people, just in reverse, right?

Jigen soon found himself presented with a generous plate of Japanese junk food: takoyaki, gyoza, potato croquettes, chicken skewers, tempura shrimp and vegetables, onigiri, yakisoba, and steamed buns with unknown filling. There was probably even more, some of the packages hadn’t been opened yet.

Jigen ravenously began eating while Goemon took a slower, more methodical pace, checking to see which of the foods had cooled to an ideal temperature and eating those first. The food had arrived quickly and the breading on the fried items were still crisp, which was unusual for delivery. Jigen silently wondered in Goemon had included a threatening photo of himself when placing the order. That would speed things up significantly.

“Lot of fried foods here, I think spending time in America is starting to rub off on you.” Jigen joked.

“Compare me to an American again and I’ll cut your fucking trigger finger off.” Goemon’s tone was dry and it was hard to tell if he was joking or not, at least until he burst out laughing. “Then you’d have to shoot people using your toes like some kind of trained monkey.”

“There’s only one trained monkey around here, and that Lupin,” Jigen joked back. “I wonder what he’s doing right now.”

“He’s probably somewhere in the underground maze with random spike pits. There might be some pissed off hornet nests in there.” Goemon said nonchalantly, as if he was describing a trip to the grocery store. “We’ve seen him survive worse.”

“You really went all in on this.” Jigen was now fussing around for the half smoked joint they abandoned when the food arrived.

“I needed time away from him. He’s my friend but he gets on my nerves.” Goemon had reclined again, and had half closed his eyes.

“I thought you didn’t have nerves, with all the meditation.” The joint had been found, and Jigen lit it again before taking a long drag and passing it to Goemon.

“He still manages to find them.” Goemon punctuated his sentence with a long exhale of smoke.

“Fucking right, he does.” It was true, Lupin was one of Jigen’s closest friends, but was also one of the most irritating men on the planet. “Hey Goemon, wanna know a secret?”

“Hmm?” Goemon sat up and opened his eyes. This had to be something serious.

“I think you’re cute.” There was a teasing rhythm to Jigen’s voice, although his statement was genuine.

“That is not a secret. I am objectively the most attractive one in our social circle.”

“Really. Objectively the most attractive. Huh. Care to elaborate?”

“Lupin is too slender and his European features give him an apelike quality. Fujiko is very sexually appealing but you do not care for her or women in general. Zenigata is tall but he has significant signs of aging and gains weight in undesirable places. His new assistant has a youthful appeal but is small and clumsy. I am considerably young compared to you, Lupin, and Zenigata, I have good facial symmetry, and a well maintained physique. I do not partake in acts of vanity, but these are all considered attractive qualities.”

“So you’ve got a pretty face and you’re built like a brick shithouse. What about me then? What am I, chopped liver?”

“Your nose has been broken and incorrectly set so many times, you look like a Picasso.”

“Look who’s Mr. Cultured now. I thought you only cared about Japanese art.” Jigen playfully shoved Goemon to emphasize his point.

“Familiarizing myself with famous works of art is part of the job. We’ve stolen many of his paintings.” Goemon shoved back, putting more of his weight into it and letting the momentum carry him until both men were horizontal, with Goemon on top. “Besides, I never said I’d kick you out of bed.”

“That really means something, coming from the objectively most attractive one here. When you say you wouldn’t kick me out of bed, does that mean you’d fuck me right now?”

“Do you really want to bottom after a meal like that?”

“Fucking doesn’t have to mean, ya know, fucking. We’ve already smoked Lupin’s weed, we might as well liberate some of his ridiculously overpriced eye cream for the most luxurious hand job you can find outside of that place Lupin dragged us to in the Netherlands.”

Goemon paused for a moment to think it over. Sure, he was warm and comfortable right now, but at the same time, he knew Jigen could do godly things with his hands.

“Yes, but I ordered the food, so you can get up and find the eye cream.”

“You ordered the food, but I rolled the joints.”

“I told you about the weed so you could roll the joints.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll go get it.” Jigen whined and wiggled his way out from under Goemon. The eye cream was sitting on the counter of the sink in the shared bathroom in a glass jar that was fancier than any product related to hygiene or skin care that Jigen had ever even thought of buying. Maybe Goemon had a point about Lupin being a dumb French motherfucker. Either way, Jigen didn’t feel bad about swiping it to jerk off a bro.

By the time Jigen returned, Goemon was already sitting up with his legs spread and his dick out. He was already half hard, and his dick glistened majestically in the sunlight. He had the most impressive dick out of anyone in the gang, barring the strap-on dildoes that Fujiko used. Lupin’s dick is dead average, nothing too small but not too big either, Jigen’s own is slightly larger and appears even bigger in comparison to his small frame, but Goemon’s is long, thick, and gorgeous.

Jigen seated himself between Goemon’s legs facing him and liberated his own cock. He pumped himself a few times with his dry hand to make himself harder before opening the jar of eye cream and scooping out a generous amount to coat both his and Goemon’s cocks, moaning as the silky smooth moisturizer made contact with the sensitive skin of his penis. 

And then they touched each other’s dicks. I’m 2.5k words into a fic about a stoned handjob and I’m running out of steam. I don’t mean to rely on such a lazy fourth wall break but oh boy is it hard to write Goemon in a pornographic context Hopefully this comes across as comedic. Sorry, Sel, you deserve better. They touched each other’s dicks all over on all the parts and they did it so good and it was sexy.

As both men drew closer to orgasm, Jigen decided to turn up the heat and use every trick at his disposal to make sure that Goemon came first. Because jerking off a bro is a contest and he’s out to win. He ran his thumb over the head and teased the slit. He played with the foreskin and paid special attention to the area just below the head on the underside of his cock. These efforts did not go unnoticed, as Goemon began moaning and his cock started leaking pre-come.

Jigen wasn’t far behind, Goemon’s calloused hand gripped his cock like he was holding on for dear life. He grunted and thrust his hips rhythmically to match the pace of the pumping. The two men came simultaneously, coating each other’s hands in semen that dripped down to their laps. In a particularly bold move, Goemon locked eyes with Jigen and licked the come off of his fingers.

“I knew our meal was missing something salty.”

“And the samurai has a sense of humor all of a sudden. Mind getting me a tissue or something?”

“There’s napkins from the takeout.”

Sure enough, there was a stack of paper napkins sitting beside them. Jigen grabbed one, wiped himself down, and tossed it aside in a crumpled up ball. There were still flecks of come on his clothing and a remaining stickiness on his hand, but he was too spent to care and used what little energy he had left to climb onto the couch before falling asleep. Goemon soon followed. The two peacefully slumbered, at least until Lupin returned.

“You would not BELIEVE the day I’ve had. So I get a note from Fujiko telling me that she left a pair of her panties for me in a very special place, which happened to be guarded by some kind of death maze. No biggie, you gotta do what you gotta do to protect something so precious. So I make it through the death maze and at the end there’s a safe, which I cracked with the obvious ease and flair that only a professional such as I can provide. EXCEPT THERE’S NOTHING INSIDE BUT A BUNCH OF PISSED OFF WASPS. Hello? Are you guys even listening to me?”

Done with his monologue, Lupin took a moment to observe his surroundings. He saw a bunch of empty takeout containers, napkins strewn about, a couple of roaches, his $200 jar of Le Mer spilled on the floor, and his two friends groggily staring back at him.

“Why does it smell like weed and jizz in here? DID YOU FUCKING SMOKE MY WEED WITHOUT ME? First no panties, now I can’t even trust my closest cohorts to stay out of my private belongings. You couldn’t even wait for me to come home to start the circle jerk.”

Lupin was livid. It was hilarious. Goemon would sleep peacefully that night, knowing that he had gotten the revenge he had desired. Never fucking ask to use zantetsuken to cut an unworthy object, especially for a ham sandwich.


End file.
